College Applications

BLAH! That's all I have to say. BLAH! I've been depressed, and I haven't been helping Emily apply like I would have liked. Now, even though we overnighted the application to Brown, it is technically arriving AFTER the deadline. We can only hope for grace. I will start on the financial aid application. Being depressed is like swimming through mud. It really hurts. I KNOW it is HER responsibility to have met the deadline, but I feel like shit because I didn't help her do that. BLAH! Brown/RISD Dual Degree Program. It's the DREAM school. It's the stretch. It can't NOT happen just because she is LATE! BLAH! I think I'll open my mail. I'm about 2 weeks behind on that. Life is SO HARD when you are depressed.

Crossroads

Well, it's official. We're not reading the book together anymore. I'm stricken. It doesn't "resonate" with her. And not only that, we "don't talk anymore since Shannon's accident." (That was five years ago now.) She said the book "doesn't resonate" with her. (The book being "I'll Miss You Too" about going off to college). So she is willing to still have 10 minutes a day with me working on our relationship and feelings, but I feel so unstructured. I wanted to use the book to focus our conversations on how our lives were going to change with her going off to college. On top of all of that, my HUSBAND got not one, TWO camera tickets for blowing red lights...at the same intersection, ON THE SAME DAY! Life is just TOO hard sometimes.

Reluctance

I haven't written in awhile - I had asked Emily to read the book with me and it isn't happening. That's because I was leaving it up to her to read. Right. So I will remind her daily. I'm only asking for 10 minutes a day. It is November, and it is the month of heavy rehearsals for the musical. She is Rapunzel in "Into the Woods." Her dad is playing flute and piccolo in the pit, so ... besides being a theater widow, she has this very special experience to remember from her senior year with her dad. I am jealous. BUT she wants me to paint a painting for her. Our song is "Walking on Sunshine." She wants me to paint sunshine. I have NO idea yet for a composition. I may buy the song on i-tunes for inspiration. I have asked her to paint WITH me, so we, too, can have a special senior year experience. I should have her paint HER version of sunshine! I'm liking this.

We went (Emily her dad and I) to see the campus of University of California San Diego. I will write more about that later - it is her second choice, and it was a good experience!

Last Homecoming Dance

Tonight is the night of the NDHS homecoming dance. Emily went to her first homecoming game freshman year, but has not gone to the dances. She missed the game because of SAT testing this morning, but as I write is at the mall with her Dad picking out a "western" outfit for tonight's dance. I am happy she is going single, because I'm proud of her decision to put off "relationship drama" until after her freshman year of college.

And so the transition begins...a series of "lasts"... last locker day... last first day of school ... last dance... last musical ... last time to update the varsity jacket (I need to do that for last year still!). And a season of firsts. First deadline for college applications to the UC colleges this month! First college visit (except for Brown for the pre-college program). First goodbyes...

Emily is singing a song for the musical "Into the Woods" in which she is cast as Rapunzel. She tells me it is about a mother and daughter separating, and that she must hear it with me before the show or we both won't be able to stop crying.

At least she is sensitive to my feelings during this transition. It would be harder, I think, if she were unaware of my struggle. She tells me she struggles, too. She tells me she is afraid of going off on her own -- excited! But afraid.

I wonder if I can post a photo on this blog? If I can, I'll post a photo of her on the way to the dance.

Now what?

I created this blog to show a friend how easy it is to have a blog! Now I need to decide how I want to use it. Maybe I will blog the journey I'm about to undertake with my younger daughter, my baby. We have been SO close all of her life, and now we are getting her ready to send off to college. I feel like my whole identity is about to be thrown into a whirl! First, I lost my ability to work through a random accident which fractured my back. That was 14 years ago. Four spinal fusions later I am fused T10-L5 and C3-C7. That's a lot of fusion. I live with constant pain, and memory loss from the medications. It CAN be a bummer, but I have focused on my identities as wife, mother, artist and friend. I have been VERY lucky in love. My husband, Liam, and I have just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. We've been married more than half of our lives, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm currently reading the book (with my daughter Emily, who is leaving) called, "I'll Miss You, Too." It is by a mother and daughter, Margo E. Bane Woodacre, MSW, and Stephanie Bane. I'll write about how that is as I write about this journey. It's kind of funny, Emily called my COUNSELOR - she was breaking an appointment for her sister, Shannon, and she TOLD the therapist that she and I would be needing some sessions because she was leaving home and she did not think this was going to be a NORMAL transition! She wants to be an art therapist when she is finished with college, no surprise!